Big Feelings, Big Behaviour
Helping Children to Navigate Emotions with Confidence and Connection. Guest blog by Samantha Dholakia, Founder of SPD Training and Consultancy, Creator of The Behaviour Balance System™ and The Behaviour Bank™.
As early years educators, we’ve all experienced the tears during transitions, big reactions to small setbacks, stomping feet, or a quiet withdrawal that speaks volumes. These moments, while overwhelming, are also a window into something bigger: big feelings.
Viewing behaviour through the lens of emotional regulation is a powerful shift that allows us to move from a mindset of control to one of connection, from managing behaviour to teaching lifelong skills. Many of us were raised in environments where compliance was the focus, not emotional understanding. But, early years settings today have the opportunity to nurture something different, supporting children to feel seen, heard, and equipped to handle their emotions with confidence. Times have changed, and so can we.
Emotional regulation: a learnable skill
Children are not born knowing how to regulate their big feelings. Emotional regulation is not innate, it’s taught, modelled, and practised over time. That’s good news, because it means it can be learned.
Big behaviour is often the outward sign of an unmet inner need. Just like we teach children to tie their shoelaces or ride a bike, we can teach them to name their emotions, notice their physical responses, and utilise helpful strategies. The earlier we start, the better, but it’s never too late.
The Behaviour Balance System™ approach: break it down to build it up
The Behaviour Balance System™ is an approach designed to break emotional regulation and behaviour into learnable, manageable chunks. Think of it like building blocks for emotional resilience. Instead of reacting in the heat of the moment, we build skills proactively, over time, with practice.
Key elements include:
- Emotional Literacy: Teaching children to name and understand feelings like anger, disappointment, jealousy, joy, and anxiety.
- Co-Regulation: Helping children regulate by staying regulated ourselves. This is not easy, but it’s powerful.
- Self-Regulation Strategies: Age-appropriate tools like breathing techniques, sensory activities, movement, visual cues, or balance zones.
- Reflection and Repair: Talking about what happened once the storm has passed, so your child learns from the experience.
These chunks form a toolkit your child can rely on, first with your help, and eventually on their own.
The power of modelling
Children learn more from what we do than what we say. When we raise our voice, shut down, or explode, we teach that these are the go-to responses under stress. But when we take a breath, name our emotions, apologise when needed, or ask for space respectfully, we show them the path forward.
Of course, we won’t get it right all the time. That’s part of the lesson, too. Repairing after we’ve made a mistake shows children that imperfection is part of being human and that healthy relationships are built on honesty and trust, not perfection.
Talk about feelings often, not just when things go wrong
If the only time we talk about emotions is during conflict, feelings start to feel…well, negative. Build emotional literacy through everyday conversation:
- “I felt a bit frustrated when the traffic was so slow this morning.”
- “You seemed disappointed after school. Want to talk about it?”
- “I love how excited you are about your birthday!”
Label all emotions, enjoy the enjoyable ones, and make space for the tricky ones.
Early years: beautiful, challenging, and everything in between
Working in early years can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One minute you’re celebrating a breakthrough and bursting with pride, the next you’re questioning whether you’re making a difference. That’s completely normal. The truth is, just like the children we support, we all experience big emotions. The key difference is that some of us were taught how to manage them, and many of us weren’t.
That’s why this work is so important. When we help young children recognise and regulate their emotions, we’re not just supporting positive behaviour. We’re laying the foundations for their mental health, relationships, and self-esteem, now and into the future.
3 practical TBBS Tips for early years educators
1. Name it to understand it:
Support children in identifying their feelings by naming the emotion and the trigger:
“You’re feeling cross because your tower fell over. That’s frustrating, isn’t it?”
2. Use visual supports:
Feelings charts, The Road to Regulation, or communication symbols help children connect words to needs and emotions.
3. Model emotional regulation:
“I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.” This not only teaches but reassures, you’re showing them it’s OK to feel big emotions and how to handle them safely.
Big feelings don’t have to become big challenges. With the right support, emotional moments become opportunities for learning and connection.
You’re not just managing behaviour, you’re helping children build lifelong emotional resilience. And that? That’s one of the most important roles in a child’s life.
For more support and practical strategies around emotional development, communication, nutrition, and sleep, visit The Behaviour Bank—our one-stop shop for holistic early years support.
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About the Author
Samantha Dholakia is the Founder of SPD Training and Consultancy and creator of The Behaviour Balance System™ and The Behaviour Bank™. She empowers schools, parents, and early years settings to drive inclusion, behaviour change, and emotional regulation through CPD-accredited training, expert consultancy, and her impactful online portal.